Being successful in bed or flirting a lot is not always synonymous with living a full and satisfying sexuality. But the lucky ones who enter this group exhibit some common traits, essential to join that select and happy club.
RITA ABUNDANCE | 30 AUG 2017 07:37
1. They talk about sex
When I started writing about sex I realized the enormous distance that separates us from that idyllic state of 'sexual liberation'. I know the expression is somewhat vintage and it refers us to images of elephant leg pants and burning of bras. Those who prefer can substitute it for “living a full sexuality”, but I prefer the first one because liberation is the most appropriate verb to define that state of oppression in which sexuality has almost always been found for various reasons (puritanism, religions , social pressures).
Starting to write about sex and becoming the antichrist was all one. It is a pity that the comments to my old articles can no longer be read because the commenting system has changed, but they were very substantial and, to this day, I regret not having copied them into a notebook. My last name was frequently raised to make all kinds of thanks and jokes, I was accused of being a man who pretended to be a woman (thus inaugurating a new genre, the cross-dressing literary), people wondered uncomfortably why sex was always talked about (in a sex section)? Many tore their clothes and wished me all kinds of evils. All that for a simple little article? I asked myself, at the same time that I checked on the calendar that we were already in the 21st century.
How many people do you know who speak freely about their sexuality, their desires, their fears and their problems? How many are able to tell their partner what they really like and what they don't like? How many can talk about sex seriously, without humorous tones, without exaggerations or boasting and outside of a dinner with friends in which wine plays a catalytic role? Well that, we are not as liberated as we think.
2. They are erotically curious
Curiosity killed the cat. As the saying reflects, exercising curiosity does not always guarantee success, which is why many prefer to anchor themselves in known and mastered practices, go fixed gear and thus ensure a happy ending. But curiosity is synonymous with life, dynamism, enthusiasm and creativity. Adjectives that fit very well with an interesting erotic life.
To put a simile between sexuality and tourism, that activity so reviled lately. The tourist seeks to have fun and travel with comprehensive insurance. The traveler, however, can have a hard time. And in fact, the most seasoned have an arsenal of anecdotes in which things got difficult, but that's part of the adventure.
“There is a word that I hate and that should be prohibited in erotic life,” says Iván Rotella, sexologist, director of Astursex, a sexological care center in Avilés and member of the State Association of Professionals of Sexology (AEPS), “I I mean 'settle'. I always recommend people to try to do different things, in different settings and to explore new paths in their erotic life, because sexuality is a terrain where you can always discover new things ”.
3. They know how to say no
“Being willing to try things is not synonymous with letting yourself be done to please the other person. There always has to be a consensus and a no is a no, and a yes can become a no at any time ”. Rotella points out. “You are not in sex to satisfy another but to enjoy and make you enjoy. This idea is not contrary to trying things that, at first, may not appeal to us (as in any area of life), but you always have to do it from the decision itself and not from the imposition. The watchword is not to impose; although it is desirable that, from time to time, we go beyond what we want or not and play with our limits ”.
The most expert and mature people are the ones who best practice the art of saying no, when they see fit. It has also been shown that adolescents who have received sex education better choose their partners, sexual encounters and are less influenced by the pressures that boyfriends or a group of friends may exert in this field.
4. They know and love their bodies.
Practicing autoeroticism is essential to discover our pleasure mechanisms, because another characteristic of those who maintain a healthy sexuality is that they do not believe in sayings such as "there are no frigid women but inexperienced men." They are solely responsible for their own pleasure and desire. But furthermore, if we ourselves do not know what sets off our alarms, how can we expect others to find out?
“Chronologically, our sexual awakening should start with ourselves and then incorporate another person; And this is quite true in boys, who first start masturbating and then have intercourse. In women, however, this was not the case until a few years ago. They generally woke up to sex with a partner and then turned to autoeroticism a little disappointed, seeing that the pleasure being sold was coitocentric and not very suitable for them. Fortunately, this is changing and more and more adolescents know that exploring their bodies is a compulsory subject to go on to the next year, ”says Rotella.
On the other hand, those who can boast of having good relationships with their sexuality know that sexual attractiveness, sex appealhas little to do with appearance. Some studies say that a 10% of the same would be in the physical appearance, a 30% in the mind and a 60% in the personality, charisma and attitude. This strange formula is directed to the subconscious and can be very variable, because we like lights (virtues) but also shadows (defects). If King Kong ended up captivating Jessica Lange, it is certain that the sexual attractiveness does not reside in the sizes, measurements or in bleached, operated or waxed genitalia.
5. They are tolerant of other sexualities
"I disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it", the phrase falsely attributed to Voltaire (in reality it is from his biographer Evelyn Beatrice Hall), could be applied to the erotic field and see how many people really subscribe to it . Without having to lose your life, just accepting and respecting the infinite variety of sexual options.
A glance at the newspapers reveals that we are not as tolerant as we think. Perhaps homosexuality is already assumed but what about open couples? Polyamory? Can transsexual children go to school quietly? And let's not forget that historically acquired rights can be lost in the blink of an eye, thanks to a new government or ideology. The practice of abortion knows perfectly those sociopolitical ups and downs.
“There is an expression that does not exist in sexuality: 'normal'. There is nothing normal or abnormal here, since each person or couple is different and must build their own erotic identity to measure, without labels, ”says Rotella.
This section is a clear example of the environment-individual interaction. We cannot be sexually liberated if we have not previously liberated others.
6. Distinguish between love and sex
There is sex and there is love and both are different concepts, although they can live together in happy moments, in which their qualities are enhanced. "Love is the secret ingredient in sex," they said in the film Nymphomaniac (2013), but sex is also one of the most frequented ways to get to love.
Another different thing is the idealization of love, known as romantic love. "A concept born in the bosom of the patriarchy and that has done a lot of damage in its eagerness to design how sentimental relationships between men and women should be," says Rotella. “What had to be done or not, what could be expected of the other, the proofs of love that were requested between them. Although it all seems very old-fashioned, the myth still exists and experiences a certain resurgence in the new generations, who use social networks as tools to talk and communicate with their partner, but also to control them at all times. Young people immediately embark on serious relationships because it is like a rite of passage, it is the entry into adulthood, it is synonymous with success. But these relationships should be designed by themselves, regardless of what is understood by romantic love, which does nothing but suffocate and deprive the couple of freedom ".
7. His sexuality does not have a utilitarian but a hedonistic end
Sex loses its independence when it begins to be used as a throwing weapon, bargaining chip, or blackmail to obtain certain things. And this does not happen only in brothels but also in some relationships.
I recently read an article in Psychology Today, in it it was recalled that the sexual liberation of women was not achieved thanks to the invention of contraceptives (which also had their determining role). The triggering factor was the massive incorporation of women into the world of work and, consequently, their economic independence. With the crisis, unemployment (the female is always higher) and the gender pay gap, this independence is in danger and we can make many laws against abuse and domestic violence, but they will be of little use if the woman does not have her own money and it depends on your partner's. I observe that the bad times have brought back women who are looking for a husband with whom to live more comfortably, and artists or bohemians, who surrender to the attractiveness of the civil servants and their guaranteed wages.
8. Don't succumb to social or market pressures
If for centuries sex has been a sinful and dark activity, in recent years it has become another consumable in consumer society. As Iván Rotella points out, “there is a huge market that revolves around sex and that tries to sell us movies, toys and accessories to turn our 'boring' sexuality into something fun and exciting. You have to have toys, vibrators, have done a series of practices and be ready at all times and with the desire to the surface ”. A tyranny that imposes new goals and objectives on us to meet if we do not want to end up in the squad of clumsy, virgins, asexuals.
Sexologists' offices are full of men and women who want to emulate porn stars and who seem to be unaware of the most basic tricks of the cinema. If before human sexuality suffered from depression or frustration (it was difficult to come out, be spontaneous and make your dreams come true), now you suffer from anxiety. There is so much homework to do and so little time and desire!
